i wait.

it feels as if
all of my organs are
slowly shutting down,

as if i am freezing to death
in the middle of nowhere
and all i can do is
fall asleep.

alone in the snow,
i close my eyes
and shudder
as another breath
traipses in and out
of my failing lungs.

my aching body begs me
to protect myself;
my mind screams at me
that i should know better --
but the survival instincts simply
aren’t kicking in.

it will all be over soon.
soon, i will be too cold
to feel any pain.

so i wait.

it'll find you. it always does.

love found me today.

it found me while i was reading through some things that i wrote while i was in high school. it found me through my "calm" playlist on shuffle. it found me on social media, through friends i haven't spoken to in a long time. it was painfully evident in the letters i wrote to my future self years ago, without realizing it.

love found me, because God is love, and God will always find you.

no matter who you are, who you were, or where you are.

He will find you. He will protect you. He will be your refuge. He will cradle you in His safety and love and

He will carry you home. 💕

for sale

i don’t want my brain anymore.
there’s something wrong with it and i don’t know what;
i can’t figure it out no matter how hard i try and
i’m sick of this headspace anyway,
where i’m always wrong and never enough.
it’s always so, so noisy
(“overthinking” would be an understatement)

my brain has forgotten how to feel hope.
instead, it just feels miserable, because
there is an endless list of things i should have done and
i remember every single one of them.
i can’t forget them and forgive myself
i can’t seem to do anything but waste time
and be sad for no reason
(i’m sorry)

i’ve given up trying to be patient with my brain.
i don’t think it’ll get better on its own, and i can’t seem to fix it
so i don’t want it anymore.

heart(h)

after weeks of waiting, warmth and light returned to my hearth.
the fire was vibrant, delightful, and destined to die young.
once again, only ash and lukewarm embers remain.
what a fool i was for believing the flame was eternal:
i should have known myself better than that.

Determination

In that moment, I am swallowed whole
By the blue expanse, staring up at the navy lint clouds
Who have engulfed me and the parking lot entirely.
The wind bustles past me, a passerby,
Indifferent.

On that sidewalk, I realize am more vulnerable than ever before;
A starving plant could not be easier defeated.
My shriveled, once-velvet leaves succumb
At the slightest touch, from sun or rain.
(I did this to myself.)

Inside the pathetic prison of my bed, I finally give up the ghost
I had been clinging to for so long.
The universe sighs: it’s a shame
As yet again I ask myself in insipid wonder:
“You’re determined to self-destruct, aren’t you?”

flapper girls

the ones that drove fitzgerald's pen:
such a pretty little show
dancing on a soap bubble,
living in a teenage dream
they were invincible
exotic
beautiful
firebrands.

yet, a tragedy:

they had forgotten how to feel.
    despite the golden glow
their smiles were forced,
    perfume sickly,
    laughter shrill,
    music sharp,
    words hollow,
    hearts
        numb.

Writing Prompts

I use DuoLingo a lot, and I noticed that some of the sentences I've been asked to translate would make for some intriguing writing prompts. I started making a list, and I thought I'd share it for all of my fellow writers out there.

1. People are strong.
2. Is the sun in the sky?
3. Power is private.
4. It is night, isn't it?
5. Where do you see the moon?
6. Where is the sun?
7. Is she dreaming?
8. Your dream is my dream.
9. My boy, my little boy.
10. Why do we dream?
11. Does he ever know where he is going?
12. We drink from many cups.
13. I think I am cold.
14. No, you small man!
15. Do not stay too long in the sun.
16. It is happening.
17. A heart is red.
18. The night is young.
19. Space is not black.
20. Are you tired?
21. Just an old friend?
22. This bed is cold.
23. The questions are welcome.
24. I need a razor.
25. We have a red plate.
26. His motorcycle is fast.
27. Accept it.
28. Do you know what I mean?
29. A conclusion is reasonable.
30. I must open the window.
31. Could you show me the way to the bus stop?
32. I hope that he cooks.
33. The friends are absolutely real!
34. No, not everything at once.
35. That is not salty at all.
36. I like to drink.
37. She is running alone.
38. I usually pay.
39. To new friends.
40. Does he ever know where he is going?
41. Don’t you ever have a normal day?
42. He is sleeping with his eyes wide open.
43. Another month, and I’m free as the wind.
44. Those are the important questions.
45. What is your teacher’s name?
46. He has his reasons.
47. The good old days!
48. The entire house has three windows.
49. On the second of January.
50. She is in her own world now.
51. The grandfather is talking of bygone times.
52. What are important books?
53. They are the strong women.
54. It is enough.
55. What shall I take?
56. Summer is over.
57. By the way, we are in Great Britain.
58. Is she a mother?
59. I like the second heart.
60. The light shines.
61. My friends are old.
62. I do not know these people.
63. Children have small noses.
64. Do you like white spaces?
65. I see it daily.
66. In the end, he is all alone.
67. She will forget me.
68. Where will you be waiting for me?
69. I have no wishes.
70. Where are you tonight?
71. It is almost red.
72. It is not your fault.
73. It will not happen.
74. One can only hear them calling.
75. Why don’t you answer?

quatrain

weary eyes drag up to meet their twins
in the mirror: he sags.
“i hate you,” he says,
but there is no fire in him.

and always remember Him

I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding

To pay the debt,

Such mercy, such love and devotion

Can I forget?

You wouldn't think so. When we think, truly stop and think about the Savior and all the things He did for us, we may find ourselves baffled at the very concept of the ability to forget such an enormous sacrifice. Yet we do it constantly. And that is okay. We are all human. We all sin. We all make mistakes. Yes, it's preferable not to sin in the first place, but we can always repent if (and when) we do. The enormity of the Atonement is, at times, hard to believe. Quite literally, it is impossible for our mortal minds to conceive of a love so full and so strong that makes it possible for all of our sins to be forgiven. I testify, however, that it is true. The Savior is eternally long-suffering, patient, and kind. His love and willingness to help you grow from your mistakes is undoubtedly real. God will never give up on you. He is our Father, which art in heaven. We knew Him before we came to Earth, and we knew we would forget Him. He must miss us terribly. He must sorrow when we sin. Yet I stand by what I said before: He will never give up on us. He will never stop trying to help us, especially as we strive to keep the promises we've made to always remember Him.

It can be discouraging, to say the least, as we reflect on our current struggles and our past mistakes, but these thoughts do us no good. They do nothing to help us progress. All we can do is ask, to quote a song I once heard,

Please forgive me for whatever I do

When I don't remember you

And He will. I know He will.

I say these things in the name of His Son, Jesus Christ, amen.

and my thoughts fly apart.

i have dropped all my papers
on the ground floor
of my left brain
i rush to gather them up
but they slip out of reach,
tossed around in the winds of
fear and confusion
and my thoughts fly apart.
i fumble, i chase, i collapse
and my thoughts fly apart.
my heart races, my hands shake
and my thoughts fly apart.